Black Femme Fashion

Hey y’all, welcome to the first installment of the What is Love Series! This series’ goal is to ground you when it comes to love, encourage you to practice discernment in your love life, and dissect romantic dilemmas that not only affect my generation but are prevalent throughout history. Let’s learn love.

Why Is This Important

Anyone that has even the slightest bit of emotional intelligence is aware of the necessity of boundaries and standards. Everyone has them whether they’re actively enforcing them or not. As someone who has not bothered dating since I identified and stuck to my standards, I can assure you that they change your world. For me, the rigidness of my standards and emotional boundaries have deromanticized struggle love. I now know that I do not need to be dragged through the mud in the name of love. Truth be told, I have only ever been trauma bonded to the men in my life. Struggle love is a topic to elaborate on at a later time because as a black woman it seems to be a romantic trope we just cannot escape. But I digress. 

“Boundaries can be described as how emotionally close you let people get to you. They are also where you draw the line within a relationship. They say how much you are willing to give or take before requiring that things change or deciding to call it quits” – Elizabeth Scott, MS for verywellmind.com, 2021

Get Specific about Love

Knowing what you will not accept in the name of love is imperative. I do believe that you can attract the love you want, but I have also made the mistake of not being specific enough with my request. So I am here to help you avoid making that same mistake! Here is a very simple way to decipher what you actually want and expect out of love:

Make sure to cover all aspects, the deep and the shallow, the wholesome and the provocative

1. On five separate occasions throughout the course of a week, take 5 minutes to write down what love looks, feels, and sounds like to you in that exact moment.
   • What is at the foundation of an ideal relationship?
   • What do you have in common?
   • How does your partner interact with your love language?
2. Once you have done this 5 times compile your descriptions into one list.
3. At a time when you feel grounded, objective, and honest go through the list and strike out things that are now frivolous to you. Do not lower your standards or extinguish your dreams. Strikeout everything you are willing to compromise on. This will leave you with your hard love limits. A fulfilling love that makes you feel safe, exists within the points you have set.

You have now compiled a list that includes character traits, shared morals, and maybe even physical attributes. Here is a peek at my list that I have annotated for you as a frame of reference (my list is certainly longer than this.)

Requirements for My Man

• Is “for the people,” no ism’s or phobia’s
  • I am not going to be with a bigot or deal with ignorance HARD boundary of mine 
• Says “women” not “females”
  • Refer to annotation one, this should be self-explanatory 
• Clean fingernails 
  • Good hygiene is a must for me 
• Compliments me often
  • Words off affirmation mean a lot to me
• Has emotional intelligence
  • I have been a man’s emotional pack mule before (-1000 out of 10 would never recommend), so this standard is warding against that
• Funny and understanding
  • I need someone with a dynamic personality 
• Has a good relationship with his family
  • My family’s dynamic is very unstable but my children are going to need cousins to play with.
• Loyal
  • Self-explanatory because you cheat and I’m LEAVING word to Jessie McCartney 
• Respects my intelligence and freedom
  • All of my life I have been told to critically think less??? Sounds crazy but it’s true so I need someone who encourages my curiosity
  • I am not property, end of story 
• Is good at handy work
  • I am indeed looking for a Bob the Builder boyfriend
• Doesn’t try to convince me when I say no
  • That is my sexual trauma speaking

Sticking To It

Great! You have identified your love limits, your boundaries. Now, it is essential to not waiver. A big part of why I have not dated since identifying my boundaries, besides the pandemic, is my refusal to accept anything outside of the standard that I set. This may seem unreasonable to some but allow me to elaborate. Anyone who has felt disappointment knows that you have to release expectations to be free of that sulking emotion. So here’s the thing, even if you settle in order to have a partner the wants and needs that you compromised on do not go away! Now you’re left, either having to live without or projecting onto your partner.

View the hardening of your boundaries, the assertion of your standards as an act of liberation!