When I originally drafted this post, I was going to discuss how the manosphere has made dating terrifying. While all the talk of tables, locks and keys, and submission have deterred me from dating, my bigger problem has recently revealed itself.
What did SZA say?
“I try to keep from losin’ the rest of me
I worry that I wasted the best of me on you, babe
You don’t care”
“Good days”
I think I’m living those lyrics. I haven’t had romantic feelings for another person in three years. All this time the assumption was that I needed a break from dating, then it shifted to include “I don’t have the mental space or emotional bandwidth.”
I would’ve kept on using those reasons to avert dating. But, the lack of motivation and interest along with the inability to interact with or respond to the emotions of others, has begun to bleed out into other facets of my life.
No bueno.
Scary Alpha Males
Podcast clip after podcast clip, it is crazy the ways that some men choose to tell femmes that they view us as incomplete items meant to be owned. No matter how hard I try to ignore these “alpha males,” a lot of my favorite creators have since dedicated their platforms to fighting misogyny, meaning that these vile people always crop up like weeds on my feed.
The way manipulation and outright abuse are being promoted as “dating advice” for “manly men” is terrifying. While it has been plaguing my TikTok and Twitter, I didn’t realize how organized this online hatred of women was. That is until I read Nicole Young’s article, “My Brush with the Black Manosphere” for Elle Magazine.
I truly recommend reading Nicole Young’s article. It is eye-opening and scary, yet important. I truly applaud her for doing the research and putting herself in harm’s way for this deep dive.
These random men saying flagrant things about dating, women, and masculinity aren’t doing so in a vacuum. They are in organized online communities.
Finding this out has exacerbated my formerly underlining problem with apathy.
Dating Now
Believe it or not, I miss having feelings for another person. The constant emptiness is scary when you start to analyze it. But, I’m stuck feeling like it is safer this way. Unfullfilling, but safer. This is one hell of a conundrum for a hopeless romantic to be in.
I have never dated as an adult. There is so much more to lose now in the name of love than there was as a teenager. As someone who lost herself for years in pursuit of teenage love, I can’t see the possible reward in spite of the risk.
For now, I’ll live for the Black femmes posting TikToks of their adoring partners.
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